Archive for April, 2016

Rush of new gravity wave products set to flood the market

Friday, April 1st, 2016

With the announcement of the discovery of gravitational waves in February, and the interest by Japanese physicists in neutrinos, consumers have become increasingly concerned over the possible adverse effects of these phenomena on their health.

Feeling a bit heavy? GW Nuke might be the ticket.

Feeling a bit heavy? GW Nuke might be the ticket.

In case you’re out of the loop, neutrinos are those elusive massless chargeless subatomic particles whose presence is only made apparent through the use of sophisticated detection devices.

Japan’s food and beverage manufacturers have been quick to seek new marketing opportunities. On March 28, Aomori-based Nandemo Beverage Co., Ltd. released its new anti-GW drink, “G-W Nuke” (pronounced “NOO-kay”).

“Our customers are aware that gravitational waves (GW) can affect their body weight,” Hiroshi Daido, marketing manager at Nandemo, pointed out. “These gravitational irregularities can affect the body’s metabolism. So we developed our anti-GW drink to neutralize the waves’ effects.”

Packaged in a specially designed container composed of a composite material — the details of which are a corporate secret — a 240 ml bottle of “GW Nuke” will retail for ¥980.

“Those concerned that gravitational waves may be affecting their weight should consume at least three bottles daily,” Daido recommends.

To Makkana Usoda, head of Nandemo’s R&D laboratory, the existence of gravitational waves wasn’t exactly news.

“It seems our researchers actually detected them in the early 1930s,” he said. “In fact, we discovered their lab notes stuffed in the back of a filing cabinet just one day after NASA announced their results.

Apparently the company couldn’t find any practical applications for them at that time. But now of course we’re in a far better position to exploit their commercial possibilities.”

For those disturbed by reports of neutrinos and “dark matter,” Muriyari Productions of Gifu, the same prefecture where Japan’s neutrino detection experiment has been ongoing, has succeeded in producing a “Light Shield.” While similar in appearance to a conventional umbrella, Muriyari has applied a special surface coating that it claims will protects users from the harmful effects of neutrinos while also repelling dark matter. The shield is offered in small, medium and large sizes and in a variety of patterns, with prices starting at ¥45,000 (consumption tax extra).

As science achieves a better understanding of the effects of gravitational waves and neutrinos on humans, the Japanese government is pinning hopes on a new export boom spurred by breakthroughs in this field.

A high-ranking official at the Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry (METI), speaking on condition of anonymity, remarked, “This may very well mark the turning point for Japan to emerge from its prolonged recession, vindicating the principles of ‘Abenomics’ and forming the ‘fourth arrow’ in the revitalization of the economy.”

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